By Paul Yeager
The Onion, the nation’s leader in fake news, recently reported on the stunning rise and fall of a GOP presidential candidate.
Comatose John Clarkson, the GOP hopeful who soared into the front-runner position based on excellent initial polling numbers and a sensational debate performance withdrew from the race following a sex scandal. The sex scandal, of course, is not surprising for a Republican; what’s surprising is that it was not a gay sex scandal.
Let me repeat that: A Republican was caught in a sex scandal that did not involve a bathroom stall or a young man paid to “talk” or “carry luggage.” Shocking!
The exit of Clarkson from the race came on the heels of an outstanding debate performance, one in which the man who has been in a coma since 2003 displayed much more charisma than and a stoic silence that allowed more time for to further bury himself by talking about health care.
Even before Clarkson, a former congressman, had jumped into or, more accurately, been wheeled into the race earlier in the week, it was clear from his initial poll numbers that he had qualities that other GOP candidates lacked.
Polling indicated that Clarkson was more likeable than Romney, looked more engaged during public appearances than Perry, and was considered much more electable than or . Clarkson would have been considered more electable than Newt Gingrinch and had Americans realized that those two were still in the race.
It wasn’t all about appearances for Clarkson, who despite being intractable never said an unkind word about anyone; it was also about policy for the man who, according to Clarkson’s Facebook page, “does not talk any talk or walk any walk.” Most Americans believe that Clarkson had to have a better plan for taxes than ’s 9-9-9, which raises taxes on the lowest 84% of Americans while giving tax cuts to the super rich (like Cain himself).
Clarkson would never stand for such a policy